New Year

I'm afraid nothing puts me in an unspeakably foul mood like New Year's Eve. Pay a tenner to get into a pub I usually get into for free? Be forced into sharing physical contact with people at midnight? "Organised fun"? The pressure to pretend to be happy and/or hopeful? No ta very much. I think I used up all my cheer and optimism over Christmas and despite the fact that this has been a relatively good year, I find myself plagued today with the savage depression that usually accompanies this special time of year. So, in order to get myself into the party mood for when Bloke and I go to see some of his friends later, I'm going to tell you some of the things that have got on my tits recently. That'll cheer me right up nice.

Up first, the phrase "food baby". I see this on Facebook status updates all the time, as in, "Ooh, I've got a turkey food baby," and it makes me feel sick. I might have a overly visual imagination but when I read that I imagine an actual baby made of turkey trying to force its way out of a human body. Someone used this beautiful expression with regards to lasagne the other day and the thought of the mess involved made me want to vomit. What is wrong with saying you feel full, sated, replete, glutted even? I just thought of those off the top of my head and I'm so off my face on painkillers that I realised a few minutes ago I'd been wearing my cardigan inside out all day, so surely it can't be that hard?

Next, American Apparel. It's not the thick fug of smugness that surrounds the customers as they are assured that their unisex wool beret has been ethically made. It's not the tasteless adverts that all appear to use semi-naked 14 year olds. It's not that tedious art students now think they have a unique style simply because they shop at the outlet on Carnaby Street. It's not even that the CEO, Dov Charney, is a fucking sex offender. No, what really irritates me about American Apparel is that it's instrumental in bringing leggings back into fashion. I've noted the re-emergence of leggings with a sinking feeling over the past couple of years but they seemed to be restricted to wear under skirts or shorts. That's until American Apparel came over here brashly encouraging people to face their fears! Wear the leggings as "pants"! Why not buy a unisex stretchy tee while you're at it?! All ethically made! Show us your tits love! I was forced to sit on the tube the other day averting my eyes even more than usual due to someone wearing a pair of metallic leggings that were, let's say, tight and baggy in all the wrong places. I know who I blame.

And finally, enough of this already. How many more years will we have to suffer this eponymous boot?

What's wound you up this year?