Cinema Usher II: Return of the Sick Kit

Recently [cinema] has been involved in promoting Dr Pepper. This has meant we've all been issued with fetching Dr Pepper t-shirts with, "What's the worst that could happen?" boldly emblazoned across the back. I think that this is a frankly naive question to be asking in the circumstances.

As fate would have it, I'd chosen to wear said Dr Pepper t-shirt on my ten hour ushering shift last week. I'd just emerged from cleaning a screen so comprehensibly covered in rubbish that it had caused a customer on her way out to blush and apologise for humanity at large, when a colleague approached me with a grin all over his face, "I've got a special job for you, a little girl's just been sick in screen 8." Music to my ears. Since the previous sick incident I'd learnt a bit more about the procedure involved and knew that a manager had to be present during the clear up for health and safety reasons, so I marched away to phone the upstairs office. With a manager's help surely it would be bearable. I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

[ring ring! ring ring!]
Manager: Hello?
Our Glamorous Heroine: Hi, I need some help, someone's been sick in a screen.
M: Oh, ah, er... can't Other Usher help you?
OGH: Yes, he can, but in training we were told we need a manager present.
M: Erm... well technically you do but really all it means is that you can refuse to do it without a manager present and, er... I think it would show great strength of character on your part if you just got on with it
OGH: Right. Fine. [Puts phone down with rather more force than strictly necessary.]

Luckily on this occasion there was a sick kit in the ushers' cupboard and, clutching it to me like a comfort blanket, I made my way to screen 8. I'd been told that the vomiter was a little girl so, foolishly, I was hoping there wouldn't be too much mess, I mean, what's the worst that could happen? The pile that greeted me looked like it could comfortably have been made by a large adult after a junk food binge. Floating in the pool, I could make out semi-digested popcorn and pick & mix. Once again the solidifying crystals were rendered useless by the sheer volume. And so I found myself shovelling rancid smelling excreta into a bin bag, this time to the fitting soundtrack of 'When Will I Be Famous?' by Bros.

As soon as I'd finished my unsavoury task, Manager appeared downstairs. "All done?" he asked too cheerfully, "Could you do a toilet check then, please?" As I trudged down to the ladies' I comforted myself with the fact that I must have fulfilled my gruesome clear up quota for the day, nothing could be as bad as what I'd just dealt with. I mean, (all together now) what's the worst that could happen? It was upon peering into the third cubicle that I got my answer. I pulled the door to and hurried out.
Manager: Everything alright?
OGH: Er, no. What should be used to clean blood off a toilet seat?
Manager: [turns white] Oh God!
And no, there isn't a menstrual blood kit either.

Irritating Customers: A Study

Working in customer services, sometimes you can tell when someone is going to be a difficult customer before they open their mouth. For example, the ugly and rather effeminate man who approached my till with his face screwed up into the sort of permanent grimace that suggests the universe has left a bad taste in his mouth. I sold him a ticket with the utmost politeness and helpfully told him the time when he asked. However, this was not good enough, for this customer was of The Complainer variety. The Complainer has not had a fulfilling day unless they've found themselves inconvenienced in some way and had an opportunity to moan about it. So for this man good service just wasn't enough.
Ugly man: [In an irritated manner] Erm, could you get a clock in here please?
Our Glamorous Heroine: Er, pardon?
UM: A clock, a clock! So we can tell the time?
OGH: Oh, I see ah...
UM: There's no clock in here, no clock in the Grafton Centre and I don't wear a watch so I've no way of telling what time it is
OGH: ...
UM: and you're running to a schedule so surely it would be convenient if you actually had a clock
OGH: Do you own a mobile phone?
UM: ...yes.
OGH: You can tell the time on that.
UM: [Glares for a minute, then flounces off]
Work Colleague: I hope that wasn't a mystery shopper.

Or the man who accosted me on gate and asked me about the films we had on the other day. He was a perfect example of The Lonely Old Person. The Lonely Old Person likes to come in during the day, when it's not too busy, to use their senior discount and have a good natter with people who are trying to do their job. This particular man was enormously tall, wearing an ill-fitting woolly hat and smelled a bit like a wood pile. I humoured him, tried not to mind his constant use of my name and semi-personal questions, recommended him In Bruges and thought that was the end of it. Unfortunately the very next day he came lumbering up to my till.
Jolly Green Giant: Hello! I came in yesterday.
OGH: Yes, you did.
JGG: You recommended me a film and the acting was terrible.
OGH: Oh, I'm sorry. I really enjoyed it.
JGG: That's okay. I can see why you recommended it. I suppose it's the best of a bad bunch. Ranulph Fiennes was good in it though.
OGH: Er, I think you mean Ralph Fiennes, Ranulph Fiennes is an explorer.
JGG: Oh yes. I'm old you see. I make mistakes like that. You see, I'm old, I just want to see a film with characters in it. Not a film for children. I'm too old for that.
OGH: To be honest, you might consider going to another cinema with a selection more to your taste.
JGG: But this cinema is so convenient. What about this film? Does it have characters? Real emotions? Integrity?
OGH: Er, Forgetting Sarah Marshall? I don't really think...
JGG: Oh never mind, I'll take a ticket to it.
OGH: [Dreads to think what he'll have to say about that next time he comes in.]

Then there's The Downright Stupid. A fine example of this customer group was the large gaggle of American students that came to concessions the other weekend.
Group Leader: Hey, five tickets please.
OGH: Which film would you like to see?
GL: Uh, that film, y'know the one with the American actor dude.
OGH: You might have to be a bit more specific.
GL: Uh, Bruce Willis, that's it, Bruce Willis.
OGH: There isn't a film with Bruce Willis out at the moment.
GL: There isn't? Are you sure?
OGH: Yes, do you mean Kevin Spacey? George Clooney?
GL: Yeah, that's it! George Clooney!

And finally there's The Unlucky. The Unlucky have the misfortune to be served by me after a day of dealing with The Complainer, The Lonely Old Person, and The Downright Stupid and committing a minor indiscretion. For example the youth who came up to me and demanded "Popcorn!" to which I snapped back, before I could stop myself, "Please!". Or the unfortunate pair of Cambridge students who came to my till at the end of a long day.
Cambridge Student 1: Two students for 27 Dresses.
OGH: Could I see your student cards please?
[CS1 and CS2 get their cards out]
CS2: [to CS1] Oh my god, look at your photo!
CS1: You should see my driving license, I look awful! I look like a lesbian!
OGH: [With eyebrow raised] Because being a lesbian is the worst thing in the world.
[CS1 and CS2 blush embarrassedly and hurry off with their tickets].